Alone In A House Full Of People

It hit me yesterday: Part of the reason I'm struggling so with Hannah being gone (she and her dog, Wilson, left for California Wednesday), is that this means I'm alone again. Alone in a house full of people.

This blended-family thing is a real challenge. Don't let anyone tell you different! Even after a year of marriage, it doesn't really feel like "my" house yet. Don't get me wrong....my handsome husband (MHH) has been wonderful! And we are having the best time being married! *happy dance* But Jim has lived here for decades...and his boys have lived almost half their lives here in bachelor-mode with their Dad. I, however, have only been here about a year. My personal experience is that this is about the time I'd be moving on to a new place...so this is entering into long-term for me. And "long-term" has not been a part of my vocabulary for quite some time now.

You see...for a number of years, Hannah and I lived alone, with Tyler contributing a jolt of testosterone once in a while. We were surrounded with girl stuff, did girl things, had girl talks, and watched chick flicks. Then, after she moved out on her own a few years ago, it was just me..and still all girl stuff. Then about a year ago, all that changed. Suddenly I was drowning in testosterone: 3 messy, noisy, shoot-em-up-game-playing boys...an over-worked husband...a big, sloppy male dog...and a cat (blech). Talk about a shock to my system! And let's face it: I disrupted their routine and how they were used to living in this house, too. It's not a bachelor pad anymore...much to their still-frequent disappointment! *half-hearted laugh*

Then about two months ago, My Baby Girl came back for an extended visit while transitioning between Chicago and California. The Sutor household had it's share of hiccups during that time, for sure. We didn't have a room for her, and it seemed she was in constant "sorting-through-her-stuff" mode. There was always stuff where we don't normally have stuff...and we still haven't sorted through all our own stuff. And let's just be honest...she's 23 and has been living on her own a while. She doesn't follow the Mama's let's-keep-the-house-in-order "guidelines" anymore (no matter how frequently I reminded her *giggle*) And I won't even go into the upheaval of having  a 3rd dog in the house! (Oyyyyyyy!)

As un-normal as her being in this new household was...for me (and I'd venture to say for her) it was also kinda familiar. All of a sudden I was the Mama again, and there was a "child" in this house that I was responsible for parenting. Hannah and I fell back into our two-strong-personalities-mother/daughter mode...which, admittedly, is not always the best thing for either of us, or those around us. *rolls eyes & laughs* Our already not-fully-blended household went into even deeper disruption. And I know we probably shocked the boys on a couple occassions! After seeing me in full-Mama mode with my own child, I think they might have finally realized I've been pretty laid-back with them. I'd like to think they appreciate that now...but they're kids, so I doubt they do. *Mama shrug*

And now she's gone, and I'm back to being alone: the only female, the newbie, and let's just be honest...the outsider. Stressful as it may have been sometimes, having one of my children in the house for a length of time did make it feel more like "my" house. But now that she's gone...that's gone. Guess it doesn't matter than I'm a mature (and yes...I use that term loosely) 44 years of age. I still feel out-numbered. And I really struggle with reconciling that feeling with being one of only two adults in this household. I spent so many years as the only adult: the responsible party, the teacher and child-shaper, the rule-enforcer. Now...I just feel detached and powerless...and alone. Even the decor is more Jim's and the boys than mine. (Hmmmmmm....decorating-mode just kicked-in. Note to self: Time to do more re-decorating. *giggle*)

I pray about this often. And I don't know if it's not time yet, or if I'm missing something...so I just keep praying. : )

God, thank You for a husband who loves me so much! And thank You for this beautiful home, and the luxury of being able to be a homemaker for my handsome husband. And thank You for al our children, near and far. But Father...I struggle with so many things. Like how long 'til we settle in here? When will I feel like I belong? When will I figure out what my role is supposed to be here? Will we ever feel like a family, or do blended families always have that "his kids/her kids" separateness hanging over them? Is this just how it's gonna be? 'Cuz I don't get it. God, please give me just a little glimpse of where we're going here? I need something to hold onto...'cuz I'm floundering! I know You know everything I'm feeling, and I know You'll make everything work...but can't You please give me just a little peace about it now? *hopeful look* I know...I know: Your time and Your will. But You're gonna have to hold my head above water 'til then, okay, Lord? I'm no good at this without You. Heck...it feels like I'm not very good at it with You! (And yes, I know...that just means I'm still trying too hard on my own. Let it go, Kimberly!) Give me and my poor husband wisdom, Father. And lots of love and patience. Thank You for hearing my prayers. I really do trust You. You have always brought me through the rough patches. I can only praise You for how you can take my mess and make it make sense. I trust You are already working here; that You have great blessings in store for this new Sutor household! Please use all our strengths - and our weaknesses - to bring glory to You, Father. Once again, I submit to Your will, and give this household to You. May Your will be done. I pray all these things in name of Your loving and powerful Son, Jesus. Amen.

NOTE: This is all new to me...so I'd love to know if you are in a blended family and share any of my confusion. What have you done (or still do) to cope? Leave me a comment here, or email me. Thanks...and God bless!!