Choose Wisely...Or Suffer the Consequences

Remember in my first blog I said my personal motto is, "Choose wisely,"? Well, those two words were pushed to the forefront of my little brain again this past week.


Last Sunday's message (see "Growing in the Valley") was "a look at how God uses painful circumstances to promote growth for us." We all know God gave us free will, right? Yet we often blame God when bad things happen, or when we're unhappy with our lives. But most of the time - if we're honest - isn't it our own fault?

In the past 10 years, my life has been in a state of near-constant upheaval. I readily admit some things were of my own doing...but other things were out of my control. (Spit...you know I wanna say it: other people were out of my control. Hello, my name is Kimberly, and I'm a control freak.)

After my 3rd divorce in early-2006, (pause for the collective gasp), I was determined to change my life for the better...come hell or high water. And boy, did they come! Usually both of 'em together, holding hands and laughing in my face! Time and time again, I made the same choices and generally got the same results...which just made me more and more unhappy. It took me a good 6 or 7 years (and one almost 2-year long chronic migraine) to figure out that "my personal wisdom" was why I was stuck in my own personal hell. Every time I had to make a decision, it was like I kept hitting a brick wall. And the depressing thing about it was I had finally realized it was the same stinkin' brick wall every time!! I guess I hit my head against that brick wall enough times that it cracked wide open...and God seeped back in.

Back to Sunday's message. You should get now that I am very familiar with 'painful circumstances.' So when Pastor Lee said that the existence of suffering may be the most serious objection many people have to Christianity...you'd think I'd agree, right? Wrong. Through all my 'painful circumstances,' I never once doubted God is God, and there is no other. I was, however, really ticked at Him for years. (Think "bitter.") And sure, I questioned why some things happened when I had prayed for Him to heal the situation, or change someone's heart. My faith was as small as the proverbial mustard seed...but deep inside, I never actually gave up on that faith. I also knew that the enemy is always at work in this world, and I rightfully cast the blame on him...when I wasn't blaming myself, of course. (Or a few other choice people...but their choices were out of my control, remember...so let's not dwell on them here. *giggle*)

The thing Pastor Lee said Sunday that had bells and whistles going off in my head was this: 

Humans will never surrender self will as long as things are well with them.

*mental head slap* DUHHHHHH! I am living proof of that!! After years of trying to do it MY way...I finally understood that God was waiting to work miracles for me. I just had to get out of His way!

One of the turning points in my spiritual life was when I started driving a truck. (Yup...a BIG truck!) It was just me...and Jesus in my passenger seat. I spent a couple years re-learning how to pray. Or maybe I should say learning how I pray best: just talking aloud to Jesus. I would tell Him what I was thinking, what I was worrying about, what was going on with my family and friends. And I started to spend more time thanking Him for this incredible country. Every week I was awestruck at the landscape, and the colors, and the enormity of it all! I was raised on a farm and always had an appreciation of the land...but seeing the United States from coast to coast, border to border, gave me a new sense of wonder. I got a real sense of how small I am in the grand scheme of things...and how self-centered I'd been for 40 years! It's really all about HIM! How did I not get that before??? *rolls eyes*

But He didn't stop there. In January 2008, I re-injured my 'bad' knee (the left one that I've had 3 surgeries on...not the right one I've only had 2 surgeries on). I lived alone at the time and was laid-up for about 4.5 months. All I could do was sit in my recliner...24 hrs a day, the first few weeks. I watched a lot of movies. I read a lot of books. And I spent a lot of time online. *waves to CW friends* It would have been very easy to fall back into old, bad habits; to feel sorry for myself for the physical setback, or get angry at losing the first real financial security I'd ever experienced. (Trucking is good money!) Instead, I clung to my faith and became a prayer warrior. I prayed night and day. I prayed for my family. I prayed for my friends. I prayed for my family's and friend's families and friends! I started reading the Bible again (Josh McDowell has a great plan.) And when I got mobile again, I started going back to church regularly. (Trucking is not conducive to earning a Sunday School attendance pin *LOL*)

It was about a year later that I was sitting in my favorite chair...alone on a Friday night, no less...when I realized I was content with my life. (Sit down, Mom....I know this comes as a shock. *giggle*) I was okay being single, over-40, with no babies around. And that's when I realized I'd been doing it! I don't know exactly when it happened, but I'd been letting God lead me. I'd been trusting His will for my life. I'd stopped trying to figure out what I should do next...I was just living in Him. I'd passed a big hurdle and hadn't even realized it! *happy dance* And it was like God was sitting across the room smiling at me, saying, "I know......I've been waiting for this, too." 

Isn't that cool??? : ) Once I'd surrendered my own will to God; once I'd given up self...THAT'S when my life turned around; when the blessings started flowing (and I'm not even getting into the whole Jim thing today! *giggle*) And to be honest, I wouldn't change things: I have 2 fabulous babies and a lot of hard-earned wisdom from all my years of heartache. I believe God will use all my poor choices to His glory some day; that they will allow me to minister to someone else who's heart is hurting. But I never want to live like that again, and I most-definitely don't want my babies to make the mistakes I did. (But oyyyyyy...that's another blog entirely!).

I don't have the whole 'surrender self' thing down yet...but I am always aware of the struggle...which I think makes it a little easier to bear. Intellectually, I know my human tendency is to self; I also know that will only bring pain and waste my time. So I pray. I read my Bible. I listen for the Holy Spirit's voice inside me (what many would call my conscience...but I know it's God *wink*). And I am comforted by Jesus' words in 2 Corinthians 12:9 ..."My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness." 

So thank you, Pastor Lee, for the reminder. And thank You, Jesus, for bringing me this far. I love the journey I'm on now...and I do trust Your will. May Your will be done.

Trusting totally in Him....

Kimberly